K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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