Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
