Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
It's never too late to be topless.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
