Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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