If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
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