stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize