I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
