There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
