Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
