I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
