you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
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