non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
