I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
