I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize