I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Randomize
