I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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