woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
