Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
True college students do jello shots in the library
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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