She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
