Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize