3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
You're my little dorito
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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