I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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