some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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