how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
