i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
