I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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