omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
