M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Randomize
