i need an iv and a liver transplant
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
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