you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
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