I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
We're like a lot better than the average bears
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
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