i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
