Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
