i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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