he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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