"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I am available for nakedness
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
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