I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
