I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
