it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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