yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Randomize
