Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
