did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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