I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
