i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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