Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
