I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
