my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
