@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
