Umm I'm too high to move.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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