I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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