The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
i think i just lost a toe
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