go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
