How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
