Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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