you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
