Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
