something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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