So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I'm sobbing to NWA
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
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