just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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