You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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