last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
