I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
