before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize