You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
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