Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
