He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
