i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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